Devastatingly Original Custom Porn Scenarios

“Bespoke porn” is the latest craze: dream up a porn fantasy and pay professionals to film it. Leo Daedalus tried to come up with some that have not already been done. It’s harder than you think. Because, Rule 34.

“Customs – bespoke porn – is a new growth industry in the Valley. In houses all around us, teams of professional porn-makers are staying afloat by conjuring into life entire films for just one viewer.”

—Jon Ronson, The Guardian, “Jon Ronson on bespoke porn: ‘Nothing is too weird. We consider all requests’”

Okay, now this is a satirist’s wet dream. Crazy custom porn requests? I am so gleefully rubbing my hands together right now! Just my hands.

The Big Bang

A white male particle physicist calls for a hadron collider repairman. But the repairman turns out to be a busty Swiss science-woman with attached earlobes and a computery-blinky prosthetic leg.